Exorcising Demons

Exorcising Demons 

11/16/10

Disclaimer: Some people will read this and might not like some of the things that they read, but that's okay with me, because I didn't write this for people to like it, I did it to get some things out of my system. The people that I tag in my writings are the people I feel would understand where I'm coming from the most, especially since they knew me when I was going through certain things in life. I have had a lot of people read what I write and think I'm trying to get back at somebody. That IS NOT true at all. I have strong feelings about certain things, and all I do is express them. I ask that anybody that reads this would disregard everything that does not apply to them. When it comes to exorcising demons, breaking yokes, and getting rid of strongholds in your life, YOU HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO BE STRONG. If not, those things will take you out.  

I felt that it was necessary to put myself out there because if I don't tell my story, somebody else will. If they tell it, they'll either add something to it, or take the truth away from it completely. Everybody has skeletons in their closet, and it's good to dust them off from time to time. This is not about being bitter or holding grudges, it's strictly about exorcising demons and getting my mind rid of all of the garbage and negativity that it's been cluttered with, and plaguing me for so many years and holding me back from a lot of blessings and opportunities that I should have had. A person can't function the way they need or should be able to with all of that going on.  

If I had to choose a single biggest positive from 2010, I would say it's me going through this whole purging/cleansing process. I won't even lie to you, this process does not feel good at all. The hardest and most painful part of this whole process is that you have to relive all of the trials and tribulations that cause you all of the pain and suffering, after you thought you had moved on from them. I want to warn you that old feelings will come back up that will have you upset and wanting to fight somebody, you might even feel depressed, and you probably might feel drained after a couple of days of doing it. Like I found out the hard way, putting issues in the back of your mind and moving on to something else is not the way to handle them. I had been doing that since I was 8 years old, and now I'm paying the price for it having to relive 23 years of pure hell just to be able to move on with my life and reach my full potential. One step in this cleansing process, probably the most critical, is forgiveness. Unforgiveness will tie you to a person in a negative way, and it's like drinking poison and hoping somebody else will die. The people that wrong me have moved on and are living their lives, and now it's time for me to do the same. After you finish reliving all of this stuff, you still have to forgive all of the people who wronged you if you want to be completely healed. The silver lining to this dark cloud is knowing that I'm reliving all of this stuff for the last time. 

Here is a small list of things that I'm cleansing from my system so I can move forward: 

-traumatic childhood

-not feeling safe at home as a child

-being played against my sister by family

-treated differently from my sister, driving a wedge between us

-scorned, verbally abused, having my self-esteem SHATTERED mainly by family and classmates

-often feeling unloved and unwanted

-being the most misunderstood and disliked in my class (I had classmates in grade school constantly tell me that nobody in the class liked me, sometimes with smiles on their faces.)

-constant rejection, in every form or fashion

-being homeless

-16 different jobs in 5 years

-heartbreak by 3 women in the same year

-constantly being told I wouldn't be able to do what I set out to do  

Again, this is just a fraction of all of the things that I went through, that molded and shaped me into who I was before I started this conviction of myself. I didn't realize just how broken I was and how fragile my psyche was until I started this process. I was conditioned to be that way starting at 8 years old, and as I got older I started to accept all of that garbage as normal, and I never learned how to speak up for myself. I also didn't have the option of acknowledging, "Something is wrong, I don't like the way this feels.", because I was trained not to recognized my feelings and only have a limited sense of constriction or emotional numbness. Growing up in the environment that I did can have lasting costs, and you can inherit habits and beliefs that complicate relationships, decision making, spirituality, and emotional development. After starting this process of cleansing, I realized that the very thing that needs to be changed is the thing that we got accustomed to and learned to tolerate. When you get tired and want a change, you have to desire it more than just about anything. You have to want it as bad as you want to breathe. 

I had to ask myself 2 very important questions: 

1.) "Do you want to get well?"

2.) "How bad do you want it?"  

I want it so bad, that I was willing to go all the way back to when I was 8 years old and relive every bad thing that happened to me, every bad thing that was said and done to me for the last time so I can finally be freed from so many years of bondage once for all. I realize that this is the price I have to pay for me to truly be happy and live the life I want to live and have the things I want to have. I also realize that you can't be powerful and pitiful at the same time. If you feel like you are wearing yourself out and not getting results, it's time to get a new plan. Emotional baggage blocks spiritual, physical, and financial prosperity. It affects how we live, earn, believe, and choose everything in life. Usually, the root of most of your problems is how you feel about yourself. When you learn to love yourself, you end up giving standards to everybody around you. Whatever you accumulate in life is a direct consequence of your mindset. Every aspect of your world is somehow a result of your creation. When you feel good about yourself all the time, you attract both the people and the events into your life that empower and position you for opportunities most people never dream possible. You can solve or avoid a lot of problems if you surround yourself with the right people. It's crucial that you surround yourself with people that are excited, and can get you excited, not drag you down.  

It also took me a long time to figure out that people either come into your life for a lifetime or a season. I had a hard time trying to tell the difference. Think of your life as a tree:

Some people are leaves on a tree, the wind blows and they go left or right. They are unstable and you can't count on them. All they ever do is take from that tree. Leaves have a season, and in that season a leaf will wither and die, then blow away. LET IT GO!! The branch people (be careful) come in all shapes and sizes, and you never know how strong they will be in your life. Tip out on that branch slowly, and when you go out on a limb, don't put too much weight on it at one time because it can fall and leave you high and dry. Sometimes you have to wait for the branch to grow up before it can hold all the things you want to share with it. Finally, there are people who are like the roots at the bottom of the tree. The roots don't care about being seen, they are there to hold the tree up, and to make sure it stays in the air. It comes from the earth to give the tree everything it needs. All you really need is 2 or 3 solid relationships with people who want to be in your life for the right reasons.

Up until the last couple of years, I often felt defeated and like I needed to be rescued. I also found myself sometimes trying to make up for not getting enough love and affection growing up, which is probably why I felt like I didn't get enough attention and nobody ever took me seriously. The root of these feelings came from all of the rejection that I got over the years from family, classmates, teammates, women, etc. For a brief time, I did have a couple of friends in elementary school that helped to lighten the mood and take some of the sting out of it. (Mel, Tameka, I'm talking about you. I definitely appreciate y'all doing what you did to help soften the blow. You have no idea.) I was always surrounded no matter where I was (EVEN AT HOME!!) by people who made me feel like I wasn't loved, accepted, not good enough, didn't belong, unwanted, unimportant, and not being valuable. It was the worst for me in elementary school, and some of the hell I caught in elementary school followed me to high school, mainly because I ended up going to school with a lot of those people. A combination of all of those things by all of those people SHATTERED my self-esteem and sense of self-worth over the years.  

On a final note, I want to point out that everything you do or say to somebody else is a seed that you set up to come back to you more than how you gave it out. Your mouth is the most powerful weapon on your body, and is 100 times more powerful than most people realize. You really have to be careful with what you say to somebody and how you say it, because you can definitely scar a person with your words. Once you say/do whatever you said/did, YOU CAN'T TAKE IT BACK. IT'S TOO LATE AND THE DAMAGE HAS ALREADY BEEN DONE. How you treat a person is how they will act, whether they are that way or not. You can tell what's in a person's heart by what comes out of their mouth, because it will control your life. If you see where you have wronged or offended somebody, PLEASE don't hesitate to make it right with them. While it's good to apologize, apologizing WILL NOT stop what you already put in motion. You have still sown a seed, and that seed is still going to come up. A lot of people think that just because they apologize they won't reap what they sowed because they don't reap it right away. Even if you don't see it right away, just know that it's coming. To the degree that it was sown, like corn, it's coming back more than how you dealt it out, and it will hurt VERY BADLY. You can't keep sowing negative things into the lives of people and not expect it to come back on you. 

Once again, I want to reiterate that all I was doing with this writing is expressing myself, and exorcising demons and releasing strongholds from my life that have held me in bondage for so many years. After writing this piece, I'm proud to say that I took a huge step in that direction, and that I'm coming to grips with all that I had to endure in my past.